Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
