Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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