Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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