My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
