new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
