I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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