Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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