I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
