Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
