We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
