respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
