Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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