Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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