I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
