My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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