Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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