I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
