I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
