captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
