He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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