i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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