1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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