i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
