I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
