you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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