so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
