I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
