So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
