So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
