So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
