Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
