hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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