Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
