there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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