Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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