My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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