If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
its not stalking. its research.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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