I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
