I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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