I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm passing your future prison.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
