I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
