Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
