So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
