apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
