And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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