it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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