anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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