Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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