When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
