the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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